Oh Captain, My Captain.

I am heartbroken.

I have never been effected by the death of a celebrity as I am by the death of Robin Williams. He has been my favorite actor since I was a kid watching reruns of Mork and Mindy. He was a talent that could not be matched and a heart that could not be mended. As an adult, I learned of his battles with bipolar disorder, depression, drugs and alcohol and my heart went out to him. I am not one who normally follows celebrities but those I am especially fond of, I like to learn of their personal lives and what kind of people they are. Robin, though generous and caring, was not the type of person to widely publicize his good deeds, preferring to keep them private. That alone spoke highly of his character.

When I watched the movie Patch Adams, I felt like I was seeing into his soul, like that movie was about him and who he was. A caring man who gives happiness to others while struggling to hold his own troubles hidden. I felt numb at the news of his death and immediately rejected the initial announcement that he had killed himself. I thought there must be some mistake and that it was an accident of some kind. It pained me to think of this man in so much pain that he decided to end it himself.

Today, I read the announcement of his initial autopsy results and I was in tears. Still, a part of me wants to believe that someone killed him, that he was not responsible for taking himself from this world. I recognize that I am in denial, but why? I did not personally know this man. I have never met him or seen him in public as people from all over the world are posting. I had no personal connection to him or his life. And then I realized that I did have a connection.

Robin was a rarely talented man who had the power and passion to speak to me as a person. My favorite movie of all time, Dead Poets Society, was so powerful and moving. He was a leader and confidant to those young men in need of guidance. He was a voice of reason and inspiration in a time of my life when I needed both. Every movie of his I watch I feel his touch, his presence and the power of his spirit. There are no half-assed performances with Robin Williams. He gave his all every time. Perhaps he gave too much of himself.

My deepest and heartfelt condolences go out to his family and friends. I know the hole in your heart is a million times bigger than the one in mine and I wish you peace.

~ Eileen



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